Work, Work, and More Work

Due to an abundance of paying assignments, News of the Weak and The Weak Ahead will return in early June.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

Off You Go

The deceased Boston bomber has finally been laid to rest -- somewhere -- creating a shrine opportunity for jihadis interested in following his lead, and a surveillance opportunity for authorities interested in allowing them to do exactly that.

Mixed Signals

MSNBC commentators were puzzled this week with the arrest of a Cleveland man accused of holding three women captive for a decade, which seemed to suggest he is an evil Republican conducting the usual War on Women (TM). But he also caused one of the women to have several abortions, which hinted that he is actually of the enlightened Left, vigorously defending a woman's Right to Choose (TM). A team of Reiki masters was on the way to unlock the resultant emotional stasis suffered by Rachel Maddow.

NASA's Latest Leak

A coolant leak on the International Space Station that NASA has been thinking about fixing since 2007 redoubled this week, endangering some power systems as well as the former space agency's more recent efforts to definitively quantify the correct temperature of Spaceship Earth. Now they'll have some real warming to look into.

A Fond Memory

A survey finds that people in the 60-64 age group who suffer memory loss are troubled by it, while those over 85 are not, possibly because they don't remember when they could remember.

Today's Earth-Shaking Problem

The always cute and creative Today show has convinced itself that about 70 percent of women suffer from  "Pinterest Stress," worrying that their creations -- say, Mommy's Favorite Home-Made Afternoon Cocktail -- aren't cute or clever or creative enough to be posted on Pinterest, a site that compiles photos of objects that people think way too much about.

Got Your Goat Right Here

Chicago's O'Hare International Airport will soon be using a herd of goats to keep down weeds and invasive plants on airport property. The airport agency will pay the goats' owner $50,000 per year to engage in "sustainable vegetation management grazing services," which is boondoggle-speak for eating dandelions.

The Trouble With Harry

England's Prince Harry, last seen stateside -- in considerable detail -- on a visit to Vegas, is calling on Washington D.C. this time, where his behavior and wardrobe will be more in keeping with community standards.

Towering?
The structure replacing the World Trade Center towers knocked over by Muslim terrorists in 2001 topped out at a height of 1,776 feet with the addition, of all things, of a minaret at the very top. The building, once known as the Freedom Tower to symbolize America's triumph over extremism, was renamed 1 World Trade Center back in 2009 when a Chinese company closely tied to the Chinese government (Is there another kind of Chinese company?) became a leading tenant. You're right; it's not funny.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

Bill and Hillary Finally Get Back Together

The airport in Little Rock, Arkansas will now be known as Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport, the first time the two have been publicly thought of as a couple since their joint destruction of a 23-year-old White House intern in the 1990s.

Hardbull

Commentator Chris Matthews will be concentrating on his nightly MSNBC Hardball show and ending his Sunday NBC program, The Chris Matthews Show, part of an ongoing effort to make MSNBC the go-to network for publicly committed leftists, while NBC will remain the home of the other kind.

An Evening's Light Entertainment

Celebrity whatsit Justin Bieber is recovering after an overzealous fan somehow got on stage and tried to fondle him as he accompanied himself on the piano. Security staff tackled the nincompoop -- the amateur one -- and in the scuffle Bieber's grand piano (which could weigh around 500 pounds) was knocked over and tumbled across the stage like a White Castle sack in a windstorm, leading some to wonder, well, why anyone would wonder.

No Rest for the Wicked

Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body continues to cool its heels, and everything else, as local cemeteries are declining to permit his burial out of fear of protests and reprisals, along with the not altogether unlikely concern that the gravesite would become a shrine for Cambridge anti-Americans, for instance the faculty of Harvard University.

Sympathy for the Devils

Venezuela's new leader, Nicolas Maduro, fell into line with his late predecessor, Hugo Chavez, in describing U.S. leadership as being associated with dark forces, although exactly where President Barack Obama -- "chief of devils" -- falls in the hierarchy with former President George W. Bush, who Chavez said exuded the stench of "the devil," remains a bit vague.

Another Public School Product

A Brookfield, Illinois woman is back in the hoosegow on charges of DUI after she spent the evening celebrating the end of a previous DUI conviction's license suspension. Chicago authorities aren't sure whether to send her to prison or run her for alderman.

What a Headache

The FDA is warning pregnant women not to take two migraine headache medicines because they have been tied to lower IQ scores in those whose mothers took them during pregnancy. Congressmen denied that the new warnings have anything to do with the family medical histories they filed upon first taking office.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

The Whole World is Festering...

California wildfires are gathering strength, snow is falling in Arkansas, oil tanks are exploding in Louisiana, the person called "Psy" has a new song to embarrass the Today Show cast, punches are being thrown in the Venezuelan Parliament but a negligently ho-hum peace reins in Congress. Other than that everything is fine.

Twittering Twits

Financier Warren Buffett's wit and wisdom can now be found on the social trivia site Twitter. His first tweet was the hilarious "Warren is in the house." His second? "Where are my slippers?"

Things Fall Apart

Disney is ending production of princess gear and other merchandise in Bangladesh after another building suddenly fell in on workers chained to their sewing machines. There is nothing to suggest the dead workers were producing Disney material, but ever since the movie "John Carter" the entertainment behemoth has been touchy about being associated with large things that unexpectedly collapse.

Hard Hitting

An NHL defenseman is under investigation for a particularly cheap and vicious hit that left an opponent with a possible head injury. On the other hand, NBC may hire him to interview Republicans on The Nightly News With Brian Williams.

High Caliber Thinking

President Obama promised not to give up on gun control, saying its recent defeat in the U.S. Senate was "just the first round." One presumes that recent clip limits leave him another nine rounds yet to go, but does it really serve the cause of comity in Washington to threaten his opponents with however much ordnance he still has?

Reese's Fall to Pieces

Professional celebrity Reese Witherspoon protested her arrest in Atlanta by insisting that she was "an American citizen," apparently not realizing that only illegal aliens are immune from police action.

Sue Your Mother for Those Missing Baseball Cards, Star Wars Toys

NBA star Kobe Bryant is taking his mother to court to keep her from selling keepsakes from his high school athletic career, arguing she doesn't have the right to profit from his earlier exploits. Her attorney released a statement to the effect that Bryant was told as recently as last Thursday to clean his room, to no effect. "Maybe in the future he'll pick up his things," the attorney said, adding that to date there is no record of Bryant even putting the cap back on the toothpaste tube.

Won't Last Furlong

An entire racehorse stabled in Maryland is finding success as a painter specializing in abstract expressionism, which usually requires only a portion of the horse.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

The Sound of Silence II

Boston bomber investigators are rethinking their strategy this week after advising their sole remaining suspect that he didn't have to talk to them, which had the apparently surprising effect of causing him to stop. Fortunately, the suspects' mother can't seem to shut up, even when being recorded by Russian security agents curious whether the son she named after a Medieval Muslim warlord might somehow have become a bit radicalized.

Holy Moley!

Parishioners at an Albuquerque Catholic church will plan their future services in light of an incident in which a man leaped over pews and attacked choir members with a knife, stabbing four while crying "fake preacher!" The unusually vigorous protestant was restrained by congregation members who were no doubt very thankful that churches were declared gun- and nuclear weapon-free zones by peace-loving nuns in the early 80s.

Error America

The best efforts of the news media and the Obama administration notwithstanding, American flyers declined to panic and riot for increased taxes supposedly needed to keep air-traffic controllers on the job. After swearing for a week or better there was no other choice but to furlough the controllers, the FAA whistled them in from their hiding places in the shrubbery and planes are resuming their usual schedules.

A Man for Martha

Domestic diva Martha Stewart is on the hunt for dates, appearing on the always classy Today Show with Matt Lauer to describe her new profile on an internet company -- which happens to be owned by her niece's husband -- tasked with setting up lonely women with men who are either convicts or soon will be.

School for Scandal

Apparently distraught and guilt-ridden at violating his school's gun-free zone status, a Cincinnati teen pulled out a pistol and shot himself. He is being treated at a hospital as experts pondered how to encourage such self-examination and auto-correction by other gun criminals.

The Roasters' Revenge

A new, often fatal version of Bird Flu is spreading in China, but diplomats hope to avert an international catastrophe by notifying the birds that Col. Sanders is already dead.

Bad News Always Travels Faster

A research study on emails has determined that people who write negative emails are much more likely to do so quickly than people who use positive words like "care" and "amazing," suggesting that negative feedback is just more enjoyable to write and possibly that Don Rickles finally remembered his Gmail password.

School Daze

Another research study is maintaining that lack of sleep during the school year is what makes teens grouchy, impulsive and humorless, which is plausible, but leaves unanswered what causes it the rest of the year.

Job Disdaining

Ink-stained wretches are explaining a recent poll putting the job of newspaper reporter below lumberjack and soldier by suggesting that their jobs also kill trees and harm people, but without the compensatory enjoyment of playing with chainsaws or guns.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

A Case of Gas

Evidence is increasing that Syria's embattled Assad regime used the powerful neurotoxin sarin on its own people, killing opposition members, a large number of sheep and goats and even throwing the faraway Obama administration into paralysis.

They Killed
Automaker Hyundai is apologizing for a television ad making fun of a character's unsuccessful efforts to kill himself with the harmless emissions from a hydrogen powered car, promising to have the ad-writer do the honorable thing.

Jailhouse Rocked

Officials have cleared the Tennessee entertainer who was arrested a couple of weeks ago for supposedly sending the poison ricin to the president and a U.S. senator, with extensive coverage by a media eager to ballyhoo a white American terrorist in the wake of the Boston bombings. But now that he's getting huge amounts of positive follow-up press from from news agencies desperate to avoid libel suits, one notices that it would have been a good career move to have actually framed himself.

Air America
Furloughed air-traffic controllers have further slowed already busy air traffic in the country, a result NBC's Brian Williams seems determined to paint as solely the fault of "gridlock" in Washington and not a cynical effort by the administration to purposefully inconvenience as many people as possible to prove the doubtful point that government is important or even useful.

Where the Grass is Greener
Authorities in Colorado and Washington, where marijuana has just been legalized, are trying to figure out how to make sure the weed to be consumed is safe. Word is that applicants are lined up out the door and down the block, but toward the end of the line aren't exactly sure why they're there.

Presidential Conclave

All the living U.S. presidents convened in Texas to help launch a presidential library for George W. Bush, prompting the media to launch a frenzy of reports to the effect that the handful of left-leaning things Bush did were good, but everything else -- including keeping the nation safe from terrorism after 9-11 -- constitutes no better than a "mixed legacy."

Another Inedible Asian Delicacy
A 73-year-old Californian faces 25 years in jail and a half million dollar fine after being caught with hundreds of endangered fish bladders for market in China, where along with rhino horns, birds' nests, and a host of other unappetizing substances they are used to cure impotence in the nation of a billion people, most of whom are male. You figure it out.

Jailhouse Rocked II
Prison as a punishment in Maryland is being reconsidered after convicts in one state facility have been found to have impregnated at least four of their female guards. Officials are studying the recent addition of fish-bladder soup and rhino-horn fritters to prison meals and wondering if that particular facility might be offered to other inmates as a reward for good behavior.

Heartless
The American Heart Association hit the headline bonanza with a report predicting a looming 46 percent spike in heart failure, suggesting that the American infrastructure may need considerable padding in the near future.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

The Sound of Silence

Monday afternoon will be marked in Boston by a moment of silence observed exactly a week after the terrorist bombing there. The silence matches that of the bombers' friends before the blasts, as they somehow managed to not notice that they had come to hate America -- possibly because everybody else in Cambridge academia feels the same way.

Set for Stun

A phaser rifle used in a Star Trek pilot by Enterprise Capt. James T. Kirk sold at auction last week for $231,000. Gun-control advocate Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif. immediately condemned the sale because no background check was performed on the buyer.

Let the Sun Shine In

The founder of the annual environmental holiday Earth Day is unveiling a new green building to be powered by rooftop solar collectors. At first the building will be equipped by hand crank power generators for desktop computers, phones, vending machines, and light fixtures until President Obama achieves passage of his package of federally-mandated weather-reforms for the building's notoriously cloudy and rainy home of Seattle, Washington.

A Kinder, Gentler DUI Experience

Sportscaster Al Michaels is recovering after a weekend arrest for driving under the influence, which unlike most California celebrities he accomplished without a profanity-laced tirade condemning the Jews and all their works.

Getting Ahead of Falling Behind

In advance of Obamacare, set to roll stickily over the U.S. health care industry next year like a tide of molasses, experts are reporting that a fall off of health activity is already underway, possibly to start bringing the U.S. system more into line with government-run systems in Canada and Britain. Both systems still have patients waiting for bleeding appointments dating from the 1700s.

Spacey Mountain

California workplace safety regulators have fined a Disney contractor about $60,000 after a worker fell last  year while cleaning the Space Mountain ride. Officials said the man, who suffered fractures, should have been provided with safety anchors and anti-gravity boots.

Booming Economy

Residents of West, Texas are dealing with a huge explosion -- in personal injury attorneys flocking to their tiny community following last week's detonation of ammonium nitrate at a local fertilizer factory.

How Elite Boston Missed the Boat

Here's a thought: People who are so un-nice as to detonate murderous explosives in a crowd of innocent strangers probably gave signs in advance of who they really are. If people are missing the signs, we should ask what it says about them.

Take the case of the Boston bombers, a pair of Chechen brothers identified in surveillance video actually planting one of the shrapnel packed bombs that flailed a crowd of Boston Marathon fans with flame, nails, and BBs flying at lethal speed.

But we're hearing the same old refrain, this time from schoolmates at elite Boston schools and a Boston NPR announcer, who breathlessly revealed on the air that the younger of the two, universally believed in her circle to be "nice," had actually been to her house but had given no sign that he harbored ill will, at least that she saw.

Given what we know now, maybe he wasn't so nice after all. NBC aired comments from one acquaintance who indicated the younger of the two was in some way accepting of terrorism, apparently without causing red flags to go up. CBS's Sunday Morning found a man who claimed to know the younger of the two to be compassionate and kind.

Now there's always room for sheer ignorance, especially among students at exclusive Boston schools described admiringly by the same NPR announcer as being wonderfully "diverse," suggesting that fact alone proved its value, without regard to curriculum highlights. In fact it's pretty likely that in her eyes diversity IS the school's main curriculum highlight.

But beyond that, it's not at all clear that in academia's prevailing atmosphere of anti-Americanism and casual Leftist condescension toward all things patriotic, a kid with powerful beliefs entailing the use of terroristic violence would necessarily even stand out.

This after all is a world in which former Weather Underground members like Katherine Boudin, Bernadine Dohrn, and Barack Obama's friend Bill Ayers manage to find employment as professors or visiting scholars, as in this Daily Beast item.

So maybe it's not that the Chechen brothers are truly sweet, kindly kids who suddenly and unaccountably went bad. Maybe their hostility, their hatred of America and all that it stands for somehow went unnoticed in and around the Massachusetts Liberal world centered on Harvard, Cambridge and NPR. Now that's a danger sign we should be taking note of.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

The Chechen Connection
Massachusetts authorities are searching a Boston suburb for the second of two Chechen nationals identified as suspects in Monday's Boston Marathon bombings. Police killed one of the pair, brothers, but the second fled after an early morning shootout. High on the list of concerns: Just how big is this Chechen family?

The Devil's Infrastructure

Nerves were on edge in Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel's office as streets began to crumble, sucking down full-size automobiles as concerns developed that the mayor's deal with Satan was reaching maturity and Old Nick was arriving to collect his due.

Home Grown Impressionism

A Tennessee Elvis impersonator is under arrest for sending ricin-laced letters to the president and a Republican U.S. senator, apparently having been convinced by his agent that there really is no such thing as bad publicity. Turns out that's not the case.

Gun Nuts

Gun phobics including the president were angered following the demise in the U.S. Senate of a gun background-check package, prompting many to be relieved that Washington D.C. has strict gun control laws, preventing some sort of spontaneous snit shooting by the likes of Diane Feinstein and her allies.

Shut Up

Innovators have created a new hospital gown that closes in the back, possibly the only positive effect flowing from sweeping federal HIPPA health privacy regulations.

Turnabout
Hollywood actress Tilda Swinton is taking part in an art "installation" at the Museum of Modern Art in which she turns the tables on viewers by being the one asleep.

Road Rage
An elephant injured tourists near Johannesburg this week when it collided with their car. It was ticketed and released after passing a breathalyzer test.

A New Outrage

Looking forward to the identification, apprehension and painful dismemberment of the barbarians responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings, no matter what their political agenda.

As long as we tolerate the notion that political grievances justify the intentional use of physical violence against innocents with the express purpose of injuring and killing them, we will be cursed with this kind of insanity.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

A Little Bird Told Him

Venezuelan Dictator Hugo Chavez's hand-picked successor is moving to solidify power after winning election to continue Chavez's socialist revolution. Nicolas Maduro, a former bus driver, swayed 50.7 percent of the Venezuelan electorate by claiming he was in contact with Chavez's spirit in the form of a bird, probably a vulture.

Recipe for Disaster

Surly food traveler Anthony Bourdain is taking up residence at CNN, launching a show promoted only slightly less insistently than Charlton Heston nagging Yul Brynner about the Israelites that will take him around the world searching for food that is sort of not terrible and someone who can get him to tuck in his shirt.

Back Home Again

People supposedly named Jay-Z and Beyonce are back stateside after an apparently illegal visit to the People's Dictatorship of Cuba that seemed perfectly fine to celebrity media outlets like E! and CBS.

A Study in Contrasts

A mere four members of Doolittle's Raid on Japan during WWII will meet this week to reminisce about the days when belligerent Asian regimes were dealt with via explosives rather than mealy-mouth rhetoric from the likes of Sec'y of State John Kerry, notable mostly for betraying U.S. soldiers by accusing them of war crimes.

Under the Gun

After ruling twice recently that the Constitution does in fact mean what it says about gun ownership, that it's OK, the U.S. Supreme Court is backpedaling this week by refusing to take up the question of whether citizens also have the right to carry that weapon to defend themselves, rather than providing an interesting bit of home decor.

Out of the Habit Habit

Disappointing Liberals yet again, new Pope Francis of the Catholic Church has come down against a labor union of sorts representing 80 percent of American nuns on grounds they are tainted by "radical feminism" including tacit support for abortion despite their stated position of being all-in for defending the defenseless, as opposed to the indefensible.

An Assault on Common Sense

New York lunatics and violent recidivist felons will be hurrying to fill out the paperwork to register their assault rifles and halve the number of rounds in their magazines this week, in compliance with a law just passed by the New York legislature.

Latin for "Left" is "Sinister." Surprise

With the lamentable passing of Margaret Thatcher, who in the 1980s almost single-handedly drove Britain's Stalinists into hiding in the hedgerows of local government, her long-vanquished opponents have emerged tweeting, posting, blogging, and jubilantly celebrating her death. Nice folks, huh?

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

Booming Popularity
Hard-line Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio got word from a likely member of the extremely civil Left in the form of a mailed package containing gunpowder, wires and a battery. The bomb squad blew up the package with a water cannon despite the fact that it was plainly capable of doing the job itself.

Tiger Drops the Ball

The golfing world's polyester undies are in a severe twist during The Masters, its premier springtime event, as stroke, disqualification and firing squad penalties are weighed for Tiger Woods' drop of his ball about a foot away from its correct position. Purists are calling for a total restart from the Big Bang forward.

Chickening Out

In China, descendants of the victims of Col. Sanders are striking back with another version of bird flu, this one "well-adapted to infect people," according to CNN.

Rembrandt's "Well-Regulated Militia" Back on Duty

"The Night Watch," Rembrandt's 17th century prequel to the recent Ben Stiller movie "Neighborhood Watch," is back on display after renovation of Amsterdam's Rijksmuseum. Democrat U.S. Senator Diane Feinstein called for the work to be rendered a "safety zone" by removal of the "assault rifles" included in it.

Bad Kitty

A New Mexico woman is facing child-abuse charges after carrying her young son past barriers to "pet" a bobcat on display at a zoo. The bobcat responded by attempting to take the youngster home to play with. Eight staples were needed to close the wounds.

Potty Problems

An Idaho transgender person has been left with no bathroom options after being banned from the women's toilet for persistently urinating standing up, making the other ladies uncomfortable, or possibly jealous.

Hold the "Special Sauce"

McDonald's officials are fretting that up to 20 percent of complaints from consumers pertain to friendliness or courtesy from employees. The good news is that no one complains about the attitude problems acted out behind the counter, outside the customers' view. Meanwhile, the bring-your-own-lunch movement gathers strength.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

What's In a Name?

A baby giraffe at a zoo in Connecticut has been named "Sandy Hook" in commemoration of the horrific shooting of schoolchildren earlier this year. Zoo officials were also planning to name a soon-to-be-born hippo "Kent State," a baby orangutan "Dealey Plaza," and a young sloth "Anything for National Publicity."

Play Ball

With the arrival of April so comes Major League baseball, including an Opening Day promotion in Cincinnati of a free snow shovel for the first 10,000 Reds fans to ski through the gate.

Family Man

A $338 million lottery winner in New York is due in court to face charges of owing tens of thousands of dollars in back child support for his five children. The man has hired a lawyer, ensuring that at least one person will profit by the lottery windfall.

A Princeton Tiger Mom

A woman who graduated from Princeton University is counseling female undergrads there to grab a smart Princeton man while they have a chance, and not to settle -- as she did -- for a man "who just isn't as smart as you." Her point seems inarguable, as her now discarded mate obviously wasn't smart enough to see what a terrible witch she would turn out to be.

Drink Up

New York Health Commissar Michael Bloomberg's city administration is appealing a court ruling against his ban on large soft drinks. The large drinks contribute to the life-shortening epidemic of obesity, insist Bloomberg's health troopers. Falling into line with their health diktates may not lengthen lives, they insist, but will certainly make them seem much longer.

Dodgy Logic

A New Hampshire school is set to ban Dodge Ball on grounds it is an "elimination game" and encourages bullying and violence. School officials are busy creating a new playground and PE curriculum based on hope, mindfulness and transcendental meditation.

Mob Rule

Chicago's breakdown in civil society continued over Easter weekend, with mobs of hundreds of teens attacking shoppers and visitors on the city's Miracle Mile, an upscale shopping and tourism area. Mayor-for-Life Rahm Emanuel promised to fight back by limiting the kids' access to large sugar-laden soft drinks, which he said puts them on a sugar rush and encourages rambunctious behavior.

Cleanup on Aisle Four

A San Jose man expressed his view of everyday low prices by crashing his car through the front entrance of a Wal-Mart and then beating nearby customers with a "blunt object," possibly his intellect. Liberals called for increased controls on cars, front doors, blunt objects and of course large soft drinks.

Science Frontiers

A ground-breaking study in China has confirmed that lab mice can cough, but cannot be induced to cover their mouths when doing so. They also burp, but won't say "Excuse me." The developments were expected to demonstrate the animals' usefulness in studying teen behavior.

The Good Old Days

Scientists studying radiation left over from the Big Bang say it turns out the universe is about 100 million years older than previously thought, adding the research also applies to Joan Rivers.

You Put Your Left Foot In...

British scientists are reporting success in creating a new foot-and-mouth vaccine, which will move into clinical trials on London Mayor Boris Johnson "as quickly as possible."

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

Flights of Fancy
Queen Elizabeth of Great Britain has been put on notice by PETA for pigeon racing, possibly because the birds are purposely hobbled so as to give the queen a better chance.

Courting Chaos in Italy

Concerned that they haven't done anything inane and inexplicable lately, Italian courts re-opened the murder case against American Amanda Knox by setting aside her acquittal on all charges and ruling that her first trial with its worldwide media coverage was such fun they'd like to have another go.

Tweeting Twit

Hollywood liberal (pardon the redundancy) Ashley Judd has opted not to challenge Republican leader Mitch McConnell for his seat representing Kentucky in the U.S. Senate. In keeping with her birdbrain flirtation with the idea, her decision not to run came in the form of a "tweet."

Big Baby

A woman in Britain has given birth to a baby tipping the scales at a whopping 15 pounds. The child was expected to have a long and rewarding career in a government posting of some kind.

Just Teasing
The Granite Sentry wishes to publicly urge North Korean teen-phenom leader Kim Jong Un to overlook a number of teasing gibes directed at him in this space, in hopes that he will call off his crack storm troops and semi-targetable missiles and not crush the peace-loving peoples of the United States, one of whom is former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who alone understands the troubles inflicted on the blameless Midnight Kingdom by American propagandists and provocateurs.

Finawy
The interminable career of Barbara Walters appears at long last to be winding down after exasperated network officials tempted the 83-year-old out to the stairwell for an exclusive interview with Cher and the ghost of Sonny and then threw her down a flight of steps.

Europe - Enough Said
French President Francois Hollande is taking France back in the direction of a free market economy by pushing for the wealthy there to keep a whopping 25% of their income.

Advocatus Diaboli
Controversy continues in the representation of the Satan figure in the History Network series The Bible, with nether-world press spokescreatures promising to file a defamation lawsuit against the network for making the Satan character look too much like U.S. President Barack Obama.

Another Conclave, This Time in Boston
Boston's longtime mayor is planning to retire after a sixty-year term of office, and local Democrats are laying in supplies of sulfur with which to announce the selection of a successor.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

The New Frontiers of Science

Physicists met in New York last week to debate the concept of "nothing," with some going so far as to insist there is no such thing. This would make it essentially an empty set, which, by definition, consists of, um, nothing. And science marches on.

Down the Rabbit Hole

EU bureaucrats continued to write the early chapters of future books on a European financial collapse by agreeing to soak large depositors and stockholders in Cyprus banks while "protecting" small depositors by not voiding their savings quite yet.

Shuddering in the Face of Environmental Justice

Global Warming continued to scourge a guilty U.S. with a smothering spring snowstorm that closed roads, shuttered businesses and emptied schools, doubtless saving untold millions of student brain cells.

Ignoring the Obvious

The news media continues to maintain its belief that "90 percent of Americans favor increased gun control" despite the fact that their tub-thumping efforts in that vein are causing a tremendous boom, so to speak, in gun and ammo manufacturing and sales jobs. Ironically, it may save President Obama from the economic stagnation that has crippled his presidency.

It's Just the Sand in Our Eyes

Former wimpy victims reborn as vital self-defenders were grieving the loss of fitness pioneer Joe Weider, who finally succumbed to that ultimate beach bully, death. Accommodationist Liberals breathed a sigh of relief.

The Tonight Show, Where Edgy East-Coast Comics Go to Die

Word is that NBC is thinking of putting Jay Leno out to pasture again because he's only popular with that sliver of the American viewing public found between western New Jersey and Eastern California.

A Cell-Mate for Bernie Madoff

An Ohio prosecutor is pushing ahead with criminal charges against Punxsutawney Phil, the hapless groundhog whose early spring forecast has gone so horribly wrong this year.

Next Stop: Hitler's Birthplace

Producers of CBS's Amazing Race apologized and claimed to respect all American servicemen and women after staging a portion of an episode at a Hanoi site memorializing the shooting down of an American B-52, possibly by Jane Fonda. Dan Rather didn't see the problem.

The Art of the Modern

Hollywood starlet Tilda Swinton snoozed as part of an exhibit at New York's Museum of Modern Art, and was answered in kind by viewers.

The Fabled Harvard Man

Harvard will be stripped of four academic team competition titles after a member of its team was found to be ignorant of important information -- specifically that he wasn't allowed to access the competition's administrative website and view portions of questions for upcoming contests.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

The Promise of the Information Superhighway

Internet video-clip center YouTube is claiming to have 1 billion users per month, about 82 percent of which are seeking the same video of a kitten attacking itself in a mirror.

School Daze

The Third World principality that is Chicago is announcing a planned closing of 54 public schools, reportedly the largest single school closing ever. Student test scores started up immediately with the news.

The Wailing Wall

President Barack Obama paid a fence-mending visit to Israeli leaders and took the occasion to acknowledge past Palestinian betrayals in the peace process. But then he said they should be rewarded by the creation of their own state. The audience of students cheered, and Gaza Arabs signaled their approval by firing still more rockets into southern Israel.

No Beast of Burden

Conservatives caught wind of another future political candidate when it developed this week that wrinkled Rolling Stone frontman Mick Jagger is declining to buy houses for three of his children, insisting that kids need to make their own way in the world and get off of his lawn, too.

Mammal Mayhem

Japanese authorities blamed a "rat-like animal" for a power outage at a nuclear plant this week, but spokesmen for Rahm Emanuel insisted the Chicago Mayor-for-Life has never even been to Japan.

The Hotfoot

Dr. Oz's medical advice sank to its natural level recently when one of his fans following Oz's sleep advice microwaved some rice and put it in his socks before turning in for the night -- briefly. The man emerged quickly with painful tootsies, and a lawsuit claiming third degree burns has been filed.

Better Late Than Never

Mark Kelly, a former astronaut and now full-time controller of Congressional shooting victim Gabrielle Giffords, must be having some success in his anti-gun campaign, as he recently felt the need to react to narrowing gun markets by going ahead and buying an assault rifle for himself.

Hair of the Dog Gone Missing

EU regulators broke new ground in liquor oversight by ruling that the drink absinthe needn't contain any actual absinthe. As the original drink is believed to cause severe brain damage, Liberal recruiters around the world expressed concern.

Music Appreciation

For some reason a London art museum has backed out of a planned art-exhibit/heavy metal concert in which the group "Napalm Death" was to destroy a sound system with the volume of their music. Possibly the museum is holding out for a top level act; Napalm Death is only the seventh-ranked death metal band as counted by U.S. sales.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

Hoofing It

The Wall Street Journal is running a piece about people who like to jog barefoot, which is very popular with two groups: those who believe the primitive hunting and gathering life was the pinnacle of human society, and hookworms.

Rivalry Week
Israeli leaders named Iran the "greatest threat to peace in the world." Howls of protest followed immediately from North Korea, which promised a full menu of threats as soon as they get their fax machine working.

The GOP Gap
The Republican National Committee will be announcing a $10 million initiative to make the Republican "brand" more acceptable to Nanny State fans, Low Information Voters, perennially out-of-work layabouts who don't want to be called by name, and race baiters. Step one: change the party name to "Almost Like the Democrats Plus Your Mom."

Safe, Eventually
Obama Administration Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel will be putting in motion a plan to install new missile interceptors to protect the U.S. West Coast by 2017 from North Koreans, who are unfortunately crazy right now.

Don't Bank on Cyprus
An EU bailout plan that requires a tax on bank accounts as high as 10 percent has Cypriots re-enacting the bank run scene from It's a Wonderful Life, just without the snow. And the happy ending.

Hoofing It (By Air)
Canadian mounties are looking for a pair of convicts who escaped from prison via helicopter, apparently unaware that they were fleeing into the largest, coldest and bleakest prison on earth: Canada.

Red Letter Days

In the wake of the nation's survival following the terrifying Sequester, Congress takes up this week another in a long line of Continuing Resolutions intended to allow the government to continue spending money it still doesn't have. Hopefully they'll have Resolution enough not to Continue it.

Unreal Real Estate Market
The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture is underwriting home loans for people who can't afford down payments. Stop me if you've heard this one before....

Hack the Vote
Florida officials are investigating attempts last fall to hack into election servers and fraudulently obtain absentee ballots, a cyber-attack described as the first attempt to use the Internet to influence a U.S. election -- aside from the day-to-day content of MSNBC.com, CNN.com, WAPO.com., NYTimes.com, USAToday.com, etc.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

Send in the Clowns

The Carnival line of cruise ships is in trouble again, with a vessel losing its generator power and leaving passengers with only six free buffets to choose from. Rescue operations are underway.

Something's Fishy

A 10-seat sushi restaurant that is at the very pinnacle of exclusivity for Los Angeles foodies is facing an order to pay fines and back pay to employees who apparently got a raw deal there.

Unfriendly Faces

A report by the World Economic Forum ranks citizens of Bolivia as the unfriendliest to tourists. Like much of South and Central America, they'd much rather visit us here.

Math Magic

The U.S. Congress and President Barack Obama celebrated Pi(e) Day (3/14) by continuing to go in circles.

Popery

The Catholic College of Cardinals expelled one of their own in Rome this week, stripping an Argentinian prelate of his beautiful crimson vestments and dropping him back to plain white. No word on how long it might take him to work his way back through the Catholic clergy's progression of colors.

Nanny Slap

A judge in New York granted a permanent stay of Mayor Michael Bloomberg's effort to put his young, old and middle-aged charges off of sugar by banning large soft drinks. The judge said the move was unenforceable, arbitrary and dictatorial. "You say that like it's a bad thing," the mayor responded.

Stalking the Wild Asparagus

In other healthy lifestyle news, an Illinois State Representative is pushing to outlaw lion meat in his state, but doesn't say what the lions should eat instead or what health benefits they can expect.

Picture the Hysteria

A Fox Network executive remains missing in California after disappearing several months ago. The reader is invited to imagine how many conservative radio talk-show hosts would have been detained and waterboarded by now were it an MSNBC bigwig who had vanished.

Not Affected by the Sequester

A Michigan middle school student was apprehended after she brought $20,000 in cash to school and began handing out stacks of money. She was quickly bailed out by the state Democratic Party, which acknowledged she was a member of their training program.

Run for Your Life

One runner was dead and 30 more were hospitalized after a half-marathon in Tel Aviv, Israel, a toll considered a bit better than average for an outing in the Mideast.

The Weak Ahead

Facing the challenge of the future, or at least the next few days

Time for Spring

March is advancing, and with it the clocks in certain portions of the country. Meanwhile the POTUS continues his effort to turn the clock back to 1959, or 1949, or 1917.

The Sunshine State

Entomologists are predicting a new highlight for Florida residents already confronted by huge invasive snakes, sinkholes that gulp houses like canapes, and the odd urban renewal hurricane. Now comes a new species of mosquito big enough to date a turkey and with a bite like a stiletto thrust. It's a good thing Florida's gun-carry laws allow residents some means to defend themselves - or end it all.

Wild Kingdom

The San Diego Zoo is getting back to normal after being locked down for a couple of hours when it was determined that a couple of hyenas were roaming the facility uncontrolled. After the creatures were darted and caged, the zoo promised stricter measures at the door to make sure attorneys are identified before entry.

Southern Exposure

Good news from down south: Scientists report that even Antarctica is benefiting from the worldwide move toward balmy temperatures. Donald Trump is in negotiations to open the first beachfront resort and golf course on the previously frosty continent.

Maximum Wage for Minimum Jobs

Polls show satisfaction with President Obama's continuing war on American jobs, backing his proposed increase in minimum wage that, as always, will result in slightly higher pay for dramatically fewer jobs.

Papal Succession

Mock news anchor Jon Stewart is headed back to the drawing board after his nominee for Pope turned down the job; conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly refused the honor, saying there was no reason for him to make a lateral career move.

Food for Thought

First Lady Michele Obama shone a bright light on the Liberal top-down governing paradigm by telling food makers they should stop mesmerizing empty-headed and putty-like Americans into believing they want good tasting sweet and yummy foods when what they truly desire is a diet of bean curds and leafy greens that would leave a hermit with hunger pangs.

Welcome to Preservation Hall

Venezuelan officials announced plans to embalm and stuff departed strongman Hugo Chavez, putting him in the same pantheon as Lenin, Mao, various North Koreans and former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, who seems to have been rendered rather better than the Kims, but not quite so lifelike as Lenin and Mao.

Sipping the Light Fantastic

New Yorkers will face a parching as armed and trained government nannies move out to enforce the new ban on 16-ounce sodas. It is for their own good, and so will the cod liver oil and knee breeches that are sure to follow.

News of the Weak

A weekly re-wrap of the poorly wrapped

Off Hugo, Into the Wild Blue Yonder

Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez became the first person in history to defy Fidel Castro, by dying shortly after the Cuban dictator said the wonders of socialized medicine had cured him.

Vow of Silence

Garrulous U.S. cardinals drew a rebuke from the Vatican for continuous leaking to the news media about the goings on leading up to a papal conclave. A cardinal who asked not to be identified said the curia shouldn't "get their cassocks in a twist."

Beaten Up By a Girl, or Not

The cause of gender equity may be about to suffer a knockout blow after a male-to-female transgender mixed martial arts fighter had her license withdrawn by the state of Florida, which isn't sure it wants to sanction fights in which guys pummel girls, aside from the usual trailer-court bouts every Saturday night.

Education Success Stories

The No Child Left Behind education reform earned its federal funding this week when a 106-year-old Beverly, Massachusetts man was awarded his high school diploma. "That's the last one," an education bureaucrat said. "We're closing up shop and heading for Cancun."

Sharp Minds at Work

TSA officials announced this week that folding knives with blades long enough to slice open a carotid artery but too short to reach the larger aorta will now be allowed on board aircraft.

Duck!

People were taking cover nearly everywhere but the West Coast of the U.S. after North Korea threatened a pre-emptive nuclear strike at America in response to new sanctions. U.S. envoy Dennis Rodman was jetting to Pongyang to open negotiations.

Look Out, Girls

In a possible rebuke to Florida for its move in the transgender mixed martial arts case above, President Barack Obama signed a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.

ABA Convention
Thousands of sharks are reported schooling along the coast of Florida, but crowds of lawyers are fairly common there this time of year.

Mensa Mice
Experiments using implanted human brain cells have shown that mice can be made somewhat more intelligent than their ordinary brothers and sisters, causing them to form wine-tasting clubs, donate to MoveOn.org, and open negotiations with cats. Much work remains to be done.