Lawless Behavior
Former Xena: Warrior Princess starlet Lucy Lawless continued her career of tilting at imaginary villains by boarding a Shell Oil drilling ship bound for the Arctic and demanding that it stand down and leave the northern oil where God and Greenpeace want it.
A Whale of a Good Time
Marine biologists working to translate whale songs are enlisting the aid of interested amateurs who want to help by comparing audio samples recorded by the scientists. No luck with the whales so far, but the crowd-source project has managed to finally decipher the lyrics to Louie, Louie, by the Kingsmen.
Einstein to Stop Spinning
Physics fans who raised an eyebrow at last year's particle collider experiment that seemed to contradict Albert Einstein's bedrock rule against any wave, particle, or union worker moving faster than light can begin to relax; it appears that a loose cable may have been to blame. CERN officials have been attempting to contact Verizon but keep getting ditched by the automated phone system when they push 4 to schedule a service call between 1 and 5 p.m.
In Hot Water
A British municipality unfortunately not named Soylent Green is promising to burn dead bodies to heat a local swimming pool so that its still living residents can swim in comfort.
Breasting the Cultural Currents
The ABC "news" show 20/20 has found a new justification for the broadcasting of nubile young women's heaving bosoms by affecting to be concerned by a case in California. A plastic surgeon there has done his own teen daughter's breast enhancement procedure and regularly injects another daughter's armpits so she will stop sweating. Hopefully there's another injection that will help viewers stop vomiting.
Former Fun
The former paramour of former Dem presidential candidate and former U.S. Sen. John Edwards was awarded custody of the fruit of their former association - a purported sex tape that was formerly locked away in a safe deposit box. The tape is to be destroyed within 30 days, so keep an eye on YouTube for developments.
Getting Syrious
An online publication of Foreign Policy magazine reported that the Obama administration is quietly warning neighbors of Syria that the troubled Mideastern nation's substantial stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction (WMD) may pose a hazard to the region in the event that the government collapses. This is in contrast to its present status, under the control of rogue opthalmalogist Bashar Assad and his army of difficult receptionists.
Coffeehouse Blues
The Occupy Starbucks movement suffered a setback this week when new technology came on line allowing coffeeshops to charge for use of their power outlets. Protest tents went up immediately, and a General Assembly was convened to discuss the possibility of considering the pros and cons of evaluating the process of thinking over the notion of naming a committee to study .... at which point the lights went out and the baristas went home for the night.
Hot Wheels
A Florida thief was apprehended when the wheelchair he was using to make a getaway became stuck in sand behind the store he had just robbed. Relieved police said if the master criminal hadn't gotten stuck in the sand he might have made it, oh, half a block before being caught.
Season's Greetings
Sports officials in the Arab country of Qatar are strongly suggesting that the Summer Olympics be moved to October when they host the games in 2020. July and August temperatures in the desert kingdom are too much to handle, even though they plan to hold events in air-conditioned venues. Climate forecaster Al Gore threw cold water on the plan, though, insisting that Global Warming would likely have Qatar under sea level by that time. On the other hand, signs are good for a series of very comfortable Winter Olympics about mid-century.
